By Jennifer Sullivan, Oregon, USA
I am incredibly honored that my memoir, When the Window Closes: What I learned caring for my mom while she was alive and dying, is now part of the AlzAuthors collection.
I have always loved writing, but when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s from a Traumatic Brain Injury in 2013, my writing took on a new purpose. I found myself sharing our journey with friends on social media. What I shared online became the seeds of a memoir, but I couldn’t start writing that until our journey came to an end — and the end of my caregiving journey was so abrupt and unexpected, it left me reeling.
After six years of being an Alzheimer’s caregiver, my mom contracted COVID in August 2020 and passed away, alone, in the middle of the night, on August 24. Because of the pandemic restrictions, I was locked out of my mom’s memory care facility. My caregiving was stripped away from me in March 2020. Then, a few months later, my mom was gone.
None of it seemed real, though, because I wasn’t with my mom holding her hand when she took her last breath. Instead, I imagined if I drove to her memory care and set up my camping chair outside the window, an aide would bring her out of her room, like she was still tucked away inside.
To cope, I began writing my memoir two months after my mom passed away. The words poured out of me in 14 days. Though it was a difficult, gut-wrenching two weeks of writing, it was cathartic for me and a small beginning to my grief healing journey. My memoir started as a way for me to process my overwhelming grief, the years of caregiving, and the complexity of my relationship with my mom. Because, truthfully, I never thought I would be the one to care for her. We had a strained relationship for most of my life, and the obvious choice was my sister, but that wasn’t how it worked out.
I struggled so much in the first few caregiving years. I was angry, burdened with a responsibility I did not want, and when there was no light at the end of the tunnel, my resentments began to build, and I became overwhelmed. As I tell our story in When the Window Closes, I explore the complexities of our mother-daughter relationship, and how I grappled with feelings of grief, anticipatory loss, fear, resentment, and finding peace in surrendering my expectations. My caregiving changed me. It completely altered the course of my life and my relationships, and though some of the stories were difficult to include in my memoir, each one is part of my healing.
During my caregiving early years, I was alone. Wrestling my way through each day, I judged myself harshly, believing I was doing a terrible job as a caregiver. However, in the last year of my mom’s life, she would smile when she saw me. The love she had for me shone in her eyes, and our relationship was healed.
Then, just as I reached a place of acceptance and transformation, the absolute devastation of COVID ripped it all away.
Caregiving is a uniquely personal path, full of heartbreak, humility, and unexpected glimmers of grace. I hope that my journey with my mom and my own failings and lessons help everyone walking on that same, unique road.
Purchase When the Window Closes on Amazon
About the Author
Jennifer Sullivan has spent the last ten years living her caregiver journey and writing about it on her blog and on social media. She always felt called to write books and stories, but never dreamed that making her way through such an intense caregiving experience would lead her to write a memoir like this.
A small story of her caregiver journey was published in May 2023 in an anthology titled Who We Lost. She also hosted 51 episodes of the podcast For Those We Lost, interviewing others who lost loved ones to COVID. The podcast and all its episodes are now part of the “Rituals in the Making” study at George Washington University, which examines death, mourning, and memorialization during the pandemic.
These days, Jennifer lives in Aloha, Oregon, with her husband and two dogs, where she writes and shares her story with anyone who might need a little encouragement. She enjoys traveling, riding rollercoasters, meditation, hiking, and camping, and will drop everything to spend time with her grandkids.
You can find her on her website: www.jennsull.com.
X: @iamjennsullivan
After the Podcast
Buy Jennifer’s book, When the Window Closes, and listen to the full podcast episode for a deeper dive into her remarkable story. Her story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit—and a reminder that, even in fractured families, love may find a way to break through.
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