By David R. Bredbenner, Eugene, Oregon, USA
I’ve been asked to write a bit about my book Going Home, A Journey with Dementia. This is a topic filled with so many emotions that I have lived and relived writing the book, editing it, and completing the Audible version for readers who find it more convenient to listen to a book than to read it.
I started writing this book a few years before my mom passed from this horrible disease, Dementia. I was with my sister caretaking for our mother for a little over 4 years at this point. We had felt the pains of losing parts of our mother along the way as this disease we never experienced before progressed.
I have been writing casually most of my life, mostly poetry and sometimes a story or two, and eulogies for family and friends. I had notions about writing one day, and my mother had always encouraged me to become a writer. As an accomplished artist, creativity was high on her value scale.
This, however, was not a venture I ever intended. Like poetry, it poured out of an emotional need to express feelings, albeit mostly only to me. I believe I was on a flight back from Atlanta when I opened my laptop and began to tell the story we were living.
It came in a rush with a lot of tears. I think this was at least partially because only on occasion did I stop to think about where we were, and all we were living through. It wasn’t long before I realized this story had to be told. I needed to get it out.
I had encountered many people going through a similar kind of hell and rarely knowing what to do, feeling lost, guilty, and uncertain how to provide care. I wanted to share the journey so people would not feel alone in what can be a very painful, challenging journey. A journey that happens to your loved one, ravaging all sense of normal for them, leaving behind confusion and a great deal of fear, sometimes pure terror. Lastly, the impact it was having on me and my family was equally hard for different reasons. It was a choice to be a caregiver, and it was life changing.
This story is the story of my mom’s dementia from inception to death in 2020. It’s about love, a love that grew in the face of unspeakable pain and devastating loss. It is about coming to the realization that no matter how hard I tried, I could not fix what was breaking, I had to surrender, but that didn’t have to mean defeat.
I could not always be everything I wanted to be, and, in my humanness, sometimes I was just not up to the task at hand. A reality that caused me to rally again and again to strive to give more than I knew I was able.
Life just went on around me and my sister, and we had to go on as well. All the while trying to provide care, and some semblance of dignity for our mother who was sometimes fun, kind, and childlike, and other times a monster screaming, spitting, and punching for reasons we could not understand.
It’s also a story about triumph in learning to give in ways that were new. Finding success to enjoy this new ever-changing version of our mother and give her happiness when her world was slowly stolen from her.
It’s about the anger I felt along the way, asking why’s that could never be answered, and the compassion that always replaced the anger. It’s about tears that even now just don’t stop from a love I was able to give, that wound up being a gift to me, and my then teenage daughter.
I don’t think the learning will ever stop as long as I remain open to it.
We live in a world that gets uncomfortable with things like this that are frankly not pretty, not fun. We shy away from things that are hard and unsolvable. This Dementia is a gift, it teaches us more about ourselves than we might ever learn otherwise.
What do I hope my book will teach? I hope it teaches that the unspeakable horrors of this world can be soothed and even embraced if we only try to face them with grace, the grace to give when it might be easier just to walk away. I am certain the impact in my world at least was that my mother may have lost everything, but somehow she knew she was loved and she did not have to know why. Is there anything more valuable?
Purchase Going Home: A Journey with Dementia
About David Bredbenner
David Bredbenner grew up in Castro Valley, California. One of five children, David was raised in a good family that enjoyed doing fun things together. Some of his favorite memories are of road trips across the United States and Canada in their classic wood-paneled station wagon. He started writing poetry at the age of eight, supported in all things creative by his mother, Betty Jane.
As a young adult, David studied abroad in Salzburg, Austria, where he discovered an affinity for languages that led to his exploration of many cultures and languages throughout Europe and Japan. As an adult, he pursued a career in technology, where he further developed his lifelong love of learning and his knack for leadership, becoming highly skilled at untangling problems for himself and others. In addition to being a solution seeker, David looks for opportunities to make people smile and laugh. He enjoys life’s simple pleasures, including his family, animals, and outdoor activities such as hiking, cycling, and sailing.
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One Response
David, your journey with your mother’s dementia resonates deeply. The way you describe the gradual loss, yet still find moments of love and humor, is both heartbreaking and inspiring. Writing from such a raw, emotional place truly makes a difference for those walking a similar path—thank you for sharing your story.