By Marianne Sciucco, New York, USA
In a conversation that challenges stereotypes and brings to light the unexpected realities of caregiving, this podcast episode explores the experiences of three men who took on the responsibilities and challenges of caring for their mothers with dementia. Hosted by Marianne Sciucco and Christy Byrne Yates, the episode is a heartfelt exploration of grief, growth, and the bonds that are both tested and strengthened through caregiving.
Shattering Stereotypes: Men as Caregivers
We often associate caregiving with daughters, wives, and sisters, yet over 40% of caregivers are men. Many of them, like guests David Bredbenner, Alfredo Botello, and Vincent Zappacosta, find themselves in this role simply because “there really was no other option.” Whether it’s being an only child, having siblings far away, or feeling an innate sense of duty, their stories reveal that caregiving isn’t just a woman’s job—it’s a human one.
Vincent shares, “My mother and I were always close and I just didn’t trust anyone else to take care of her, because nobody knew her as well as I did.”
David talks about “reacting, firefighting, and suddenly you’re just drawn in, and before you know it, it becomes part of your routine.”
Alfredo, navigating life as an only child, speaks honestly about how necessity and love collided the moment his stepfather passed away.
Lifestyle Overhauls and Personal Sacrifice
For each son, caring for their mothers led to seismic shifts in their daily lives. Plans are always tentative, boundaries are tested, and a new form of “parenting” emerges. As Alfredo vividly describes: “Nobody told me growing up that I’d have another kid in my 50s—only she’d be in her 80s and have opinions!” From rearranging work schedules to leaving reassuring Post-its for an anxious parent, the logistics become second nature, though the emotional toll lingers.
The men openly discuss balancing frustration, guilt, and even resentment with deep love. They offer comfort in recognizing that no one is “superhuman.”
Vulnerability and Growth
One of the rawest parts of the discussion addresses regrets. The guests share stories of impatience, embarrassment, and wishing they had done things differently. Alfredo recounts an experience where he scolded his mother in public and felt the sting of guilt—a universal feeling among caregivers.
Yet, the dialogue also uncovers unexpected gifts. David speaks of the “mission in life” that caregiving became, and the way it cemented his relationship with his mother. Vincent points out the profound empathy he gained: “Ever since then, I’m overly empathetic with anything and anyone, which is a good thing.”
Sharing Stories — A Powerful Resource
Each guest found healing in writing about their journey—whether through memoir, blog, or even a play. For Alfredo, fiction offered the freedom to explore broader experiences, while Vincent and his partner Douglass Christensen, turned their story into a blog, “Dementia Mama Drama,” inviting readers into their honest, humorous approach. The blog eventually became a book, and a play adaptation is in progress. David’s memoir became a tribute to his mother, and the writing process was, at times, “very painful…but for sure a gift all the way.”
Advice for Other Sons (and Daughters) on the Journey
So what would these sons tell others? Be present. Advocate fiercely. Know your loved one, and be ready to “divert and distract”—sometimes, music or humor can do wonders. Don’t hesitate to be the “squeaky wheel,” and remember: “Give yourself permission to rest, to step away, and to be human.” Above all, as Alfredo so aptly states, “Bend, don’t break. Drop expectations and take what the defense gives you.”
Closing Thoughts
While this podcast circles around men, the lessons ring true for anyone on a caregiving journey. There are no perfect solutions, only the imperfect, beautiful bonds of love, memory, and forgiveness.
After the Podcast
Buy the books:
Going Home by David Bredbenner
Dementia Mama Drama by Vincent Zappacosta
Learn about the Moderators
About the Podcast
AlzAuthors is the global community of authors writing about Alzheimer’s and dementia from personal experience to light the way for others.
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